Monday, November 21, 2011

negative icky self-sabotaging thoughts...

I have a website in the works. It's been my goal for a couple of years now - a place that will have my blog (which means this blog will have a new home!), a link to the Etsy shop, plus other goodies.

Finally, I've taken steps to do this instead of only think and dream of it.

I've hired a wonderful person to put together the site (since I'm pretty clueless when it comes to such things).

I've been taking some great courses that have helped me get more clear and focused on the essence of the business, and what I want my work to be.

I've started working with a fabulous coach to help me deal with this transitional time (staying on my path to do what I need to do to get the website going, the transition to actually having the site up and running, the transition of having one of those "big" birthdays next month... and basically the transitional phase my life is in right now).

Having a website is a big deal for me. It means putting myself out there more than ever before - and in ways I have never done before.

And as much as I believe what I wrote in my previous blog entry it is okay... I still have self-doubts and worries and fears and negative self-talk sometimes.

Friday was one of those times. Big huge high-volume negative self-talk went on Friday afternoon.

The reason?

Because, more than before, some things happened on Friday that meant having the website, having things move in this forward direction... well, it all felt really real. It felt like it was really on the road to happening. It felt like this dream was going to truly become a reality.

And the negative-self-talking, self-sabotaging, icky-feeling part of myself went into overdrive at the realization that I am really and truly taking the steps to make the website real and out there... which means putting myself more out there.

My day, which had started off feeling sunny and warm and optimistic, suddenly got some really dark clouds muddying up the works.

And, wow, did those icky thoughts run rampant for a while...

Who do you think you are? You can't do this. You were stupid for thinking this would work out. You were stupid to believe you could do this. What do you know about having a website? What makes you think you can do anything that might help other people? How dumb are you, daring to be hopeful and optimistic about this? You can't take a risk like this. You can't step out of the box this way. What were you thinking??? THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!

I know the part of me that screamed those thoughts in my head is a part of me that's scared. Scared of doing something new. Scared of being out there, being seen and heard and known, having products and services that people might not want or might not like.

That part of me is afraid - and it wants to feel safe. That part of me came face-to-face Friday with the fact that I was taking definite steps to move forward, which is not a feeling-safe thing to do... and that part of me had a temporary freak-out.

The negative icky self-sabotaging thoughts about moving ahead with my goals are quiet now. I listened to the fear, I felt the fear, I gave it a warm shower and comfy clothes and a long nap and some chocolate... and after a while I got back to work on moving ahead with my plans for the future.

The main thing I want to say right now is this:

Those negative icky self-sabotaging thoughts? They are not truth. They are not my truth and they are not your truth. Give yourself permission to feel the ick for a while if that's what it needs, to let that part of you know it's being heard... and then find a way to help it and let the negative talk go.

I plan to write more about this in the future, and write about specifics that help me when these thoughts come up so strongly.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear any of your own techniques if you'd like to share some thoughts about this.  ♥

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