negative icky self-sabotaging thoughts...

I have a website in the works. It's been my goal for a couple of years now - a place that will have my blog (which means this blog will have a new home!), a link to the Etsy shop, plus other goodies.

Finally, I've taken steps to do this instead of only think and dream of it.

I've hired a wonderful person to put together the site (since I'm pretty clueless when it comes to such things).

I've been taking some great courses that have helped me get more clear and focused on the essence of the business, and what I want my work to be.

I've started working with a fabulous coach to help me deal with this transitional time (staying on my path to do what I need to do to get the website going, the transition to actually having the site up and running, the transition of having one of those "big" birthdays next month... and basically the transitional phase my life is in right now).

Having a website is a big deal for me. It means putting myself out there more than ever before - and in ways I have never done before.

And as much as I believe what I wrote in my previous blog entry it is okay... I still have self-doubts and worries and fears and negative self-talk sometimes.

Friday was one of those times. Big huge high-volume negative self-talk went on Friday afternoon.

The reason?

Because, more than before, some things happened on Friday that meant having the website, having things move in this forward direction... well, it all felt really real. It felt like it was really on the road to happening. It felt like this dream was going to truly become a reality.

And the negative-self-talking, self-sabotaging, icky-feeling part of myself went into overdrive at the realization that I am really and truly taking the steps to make the website real and out there... which means putting myself more out there.

My day, which had started off feeling sunny and warm and optimistic, suddenly got some really dark clouds muddying up the works.

And, wow, did those icky thoughts run rampant for a while...

Who do you think you are? You can't do this. You were stupid for thinking this would work out. You were stupid to believe you could do this. What do you know about having a website? What makes you think you can do anything that might help other people? How dumb are you, daring to be hopeful and optimistic about this? You can't take a risk like this. You can't step out of the box this way. What were you thinking??? THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!

I know the part of me that screamed those thoughts in my head is a part of me that's scared. Scared of doing something new. Scared of being out there, being seen and heard and known, having products and services that people might not want or might not like.

That part of me is afraid - and it wants to feel safe. That part of me came face-to-face Friday with the fact that I was taking definite steps to move forward, which is not a feeling-safe thing to do... and that part of me had a temporary freak-out.

The negative icky self-sabotaging thoughts about moving ahead with my goals are quiet now. I listened to the fear, I felt the fear, I gave it a warm shower and comfy clothes and a long nap and some chocolate... and after a while I got back to work on moving ahead with my plans for the future.

The main thing I want to say right now is this:

Those negative icky self-sabotaging thoughts? They are not truth. They are not my truth and they are not your truth. Give yourself permission to feel the ick for a while if that's what it needs, to let that part of you know it's being heard... and then find a way to help it and let the negative talk go.

I plan to write more about this in the future, and write about specifics that help me when these thoughts come up so strongly.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear any of your own techniques if you'd like to share some thoughts about this.  ♥

Thursday's thought...

"Life is your art.

An open, aware heart

is your camera.

A oneness with your world

is your film.

Your bright eyes,

your easy smile

is your museum."

~ Ansel Adams

kitchen aromatherapy...

I've got a bunch of different oil warmers and aroma lamps around the house, and a year or so ago I came across one that I just couldn't resist getting for the kitchen.

The tealight candle goes in its own little skillet pan...

And the water and essential oils go into the cute little teapot that sits on top of the "stove"...

But even after getting this specifically to use in the kitchen, I didn't use it. It sat on the bakers rack looking all blue and cute, while I continued using a different oil warmer in the kitchen - when I used one in there at all.

Most often, I use warmers in other rooms of the house. The kitchen? Sometimes. But usually when I've diffused essential oils in the kitchen it's been for big-time sessions... I have an old pot I use for this, filling it up with water and adding things like chopped-up apples, cloves, cinnamon, and a small bit of whatever essential oils I want to add.

Last winter, when I was so sick with an upper respiratory/sinus thing, I would put on a pot of good-smelling apple-cinnamon-clove water to simmer, and I would add things like ravensara, eucalyptus, tea tree, and other helpful, germ-fighting oils. The particular blend of oils would vary depending on the day, but this simmering brew helped clear the air and also added moisture to the winter-dry indoor atmosphere.

But except for using essential oils in other ways in the kitchen (like using peppermint when we had ants), I don't often simply put some oils in a warmer in there. I have no idea why use aromatherapy so often in other rooms and usually not the kitchen, but... that's the way it's been.

Recently, a goddess sister and I were discussing kitchens and I was telling her that I don't really like spending much time in my kitchen. She mentioned cleaning and clearing and intention, and eucalyptus oil was mentioned too... and my mind started working. There are more things I could be doing to make my kitchen a place I'd like to be. And one thing is to cleanse and clear and shift the energy with essential oils.

So yesterday I took the blue oil warmer and actually used it. In the kitchen. The talk with my goddess sister had put eucalyptus in my mind, so I decided to use that. I have three different types of eucalyptus oil, and I ended up going with the lemon eucalyptus (Eucalyptus citriodora).

I also decided to add some Atlas Cedarwood (Cedrus atlanticus) because of its cleansing and grounding properties. The unfortunate thing about cedarwood is that, in the first moments of smelling it, I am immediately and strongly taken to memories of my first elementary school - and I don't particularly like being reminded of elementary school. But that's a temporary thing and it doesn't keep me from using cedarwood, so into the blend went the cedarwood.

Then I added just a tiny amount of frankincense (Boswellia carterii) because although I have always really liked working with frankincense, I've been totally drawn to it a lot lately and I wanted to use some in the kitchen blend.

But... I sensed I needed one more oil, I just wasn't sure which one. So I pulled a card from my aromatherapy deck and - it was the card for basil. Part of the card's description reads: Basil is a memory and mental stimulant. It is kind to the brain and relieves nervous exhaustion and life overload.


Well. Yes! Basil certainly seems to fit what I've been needing lately. So I added a small amount of basil oil (Ocimum basilicum) to the little blue pot.

I lit the tealight in the skillet and it was set to go. And it was nice.

Aromatherapy... it's good for the soul. Even in the kitchen when the kitchen isn't where we really want to be.

Thursday's thought...

The meaning of our lives
 is found in the stories we tell about ourselves.
 Carl Jung once said that the most important question
anyone can ask is:
 What myth am I living? 
In the degree that we remember and retell our stories
 and create new ones 
we become the authors, the author/ities, 
of our own lives. 
When we forget or pay no attention
 to our personal histories
we begin to live by somebody else's
 myths, meanings and values
that do not fit the shape of our own spirits,
surrender the governance of our lives
 to some second-hand authority,
 some official myth maker.

~ Sam Keen

it is okay...

I never tried to draw a face until recently. But thanks to some things I'm doing at willowing (thanks, Tam!) I recently did an art journal page that had a face for the first time. Imperfections and all, I'm going to post it here because I want to talk about some things it brings up for me... and I'm going to talk about these things because Angel over at My Mosaic Life has inspired me with her no longer content posts,

That person I drew doesn't look like me (although sometimes I wish for purple hair!). But she represents me. On the other side of the page, beneath the words you see, beneath the layers of markers and paint and watercolor pencils and gesso, there's a whole page of sentences of stuff that goes through my head sometimes - the bad stuff, like... I'm not good enough. I can't do this.

Those kinds of icky thoughts that make us not feel good about ourselves.

But then, at the end of the project, I'm left with the words that are visible now...

it is OKAY to be ME

I've been thinking about this two-page spread and how it relates to all of my seven major chakras...

As a first chakra issue, the root chakra - It is safe for me to BE.

From a second chakra viewpoint, the sacral chakra - It is okay for me to be myself in relationship with others.

As a third chakra issue, the solar plexus chakra - I can step into my personal power, I can be self-actualized.

Looking at it from the fourth chakra, the heart chakra - I can love myself enough to accept myself.

As a fifth chakra issue, the throat chakra - I can speak and express my truth.

From the viewpoint of  the sixth chakra, the third eye chakra - I can be open to my intuition and see the guidance to live my life and follow my own path.

And looking at it from the seventh chakra, the crown chakra - I am connected to Divine Spirit, one with all, and that connection makes me whole and okay.

All of this is big for me. For so much of my life I was afraid of being myself - because I might be rejected, I might fail, I might not measure up, I might not be accepted. But the thing is... I am so beyond tired of living that way.

The past several years have been a time of learning to stop living that way - and gradually, very gradually, I have come to the place where (most days) I really know that the words in my art journaling project are true.

It is okay to be me.

It's more than okay, actually. It's necessary. It's needed. It is essential to my life to be who I am.

And if that means risking displeasure, if that means rejection, if that means not meeting certain expectations, if that means being unfriended on facebook or not being invited to a gathering... then so be it. I'm finally willing to take those risks, because I have realized - finally, fully, deep-down-realized - that some things are worth the risk.

And being okay with being me is worth the risk.

It is okay to be me.

It really is okay. It is okay for us all to be who we are. It is okay for you to be you. It is OKAY. Be yourself. Trust yourself. It might mean letting go of some things, letting go of some ideas or thoughts, letting go of some people.

And although letting go can be hard, it's not good to lose yourself in the process of trying to hold on.

Sometimes letting go is the path to peace, the path to balance.

And it is okay. It is all okay.

Thursday's thought...

"If you can see your path

laid out in front of you

 step by step,

you know it's not your path.

Your own path you make

 with every step you take.

That's why it's your path."

~ Joseph Campbell

oracle cards...

I have new goodies to play with!! UPS just delivered Colette Baron-Reid's new The Enchanted Map Oracle Cards and the deck is gorgeous - I can't wait to try these cards!

Colette's Wisdom of the Hidden Realms deck is my go-to oracle deck, the one I use most often. That deck spoke to me and resonated with me right from the start, and has been an incredible deck to work with. It's the deck I use for the one-card email readings and the three-card email readings I offer in the Etsy shop. And it's the deck I usually begin with when I do intuitive readings by phone.

The 30-Minute Intuitive Reading by Phone is something new I'm offering.

I recently took an amazing series of classes from M. Flora Peterson (also known as CharmingPixieFlora) at The Yay Factor and became a certified intuitive reader through her Intuition Mentoring Program. I can't say enough wonderful things about Flora - she's amazing! Her classes gave me tools and techniques that have now become a daily part of my life. Like...

Meditating more often.

Drinking more water.

Regularly calling my own energy back to me and getting rid of energy that isn't mine.

And so much more. Going through Flora's intuition mentoring program helped me gain clarity about my own work... which led to the decision to offer intuitive readings over the phone. I love the phone readings because there's so much energy as we talk together, and the call has such a fluid and evolving flow to it.

It has been exciting to discover this new love - because I had been totally shying away from offering services over the phone. The idea brought out the social anxiety I sometimes struggle with, along with that whole thing about not liking how my voice sounds.

But you know what? Doing a reading for someone else isn't about me. Worrying about my anxiety, worrying about what someone might think of my voice - those are ego things, and my ego has no place in a reading. That's another thing Flora's classes helped me with.

Okay, I couldn't resist any longer - I just did a first draw from the new oracle deck. My card is Ride the Wave... and that's a spot-on-target message for me right now. I think I'm going to enjoy this deck. ♥